You sit down to write your latest newsletter.

You gather your thoughts… put your fingers on the keyboard… and pour your heart and soul into your missive.

You proofread once, twice, three times — just to be sure.

Everything is ready to go. You can’t wait to press “send.”

This is, without a doubt, the BEST thing you’ve ever emailed to your community. Like, ever.

Off it goes… and then, almost instantly, you get an email notification.

Your heart flutters with excitement. You just know it’s got to be a subscriber, throwing confetti and glitter and billions of dollars at you because your email was just SO DAMN GOOD.

You check your inbox and that’s when it hits you like a ton of bricks.

It’s not a product sale.

It’s not fan mail.

It’s…

An UNSUBSCRIBE.

Your heart sinks. You face-plant into a pie. Your brain rushes with all of the things you did “wrong.” Maybe you put too much personality into your writing? Or not enough? Damn those “business experts” that you listened to in the past. They’re all morons!!!

I know how you feel… because I used to feel this way, too.

Years ago, when I was a lonely little entrepreneur trying to find my way in the digital world, I would feverishly track every single “subscribe” and “unsubscribe” on my mailing list. I took each one personally — and it made me miserable.

What made it worse was that, as a marketing professional, I knew better. I knew that subscription numbers often have NOTHING to do with your overall quality of work, income potential, customer engagement level, or future success.

And yet, even though I KNEW all of this, it was still incredibly difficult to break the unhealthy cycle of checking and tracking.

I was like Selena Gomez, rebounding with Bieber, over and over, even though all my friends were telling me, “Girrrl, STOP. He’s no good for you!”

If you’re ready to stop the drama, create a sane relationship with your mailing list, and re-focus your energy on the business priorities that actually matter, here’s my advice:

First: SHUT OFF YOUR NOTIFICATIONS.

I don’t care how confident you are, you will probably still feel shitty when you see those unsubscribes come in. Don’t punish yourself. TURN THOSE NOTIFICATIONS OFF. (Google: “How do I turn off unsubscribe notifications in [name of your mailing list software]” for instructions. Google knows all.)

Sure, you can check your “stats” occasionally to get a general sense of what’s up. But you do NOT need a notification emailed to you every time there is a micro-change in the numbers. (Personally, I check my overall list number about every 6 months. That’s it.)

Second: send unsubscribers silent love.

Remember that…

:: Not everyone will resonate with your message, your writing style, your stories, or your products or services. This is OK. You are still an awesome and lovable human being.

:: You never know what’s going on in other people’s lives. There are all sorts of reasons why people unsubscribe. Maybe their priorities have changed. Maybe they want to de-clutter their inbox. Maybe they are sick or have a sick family member and feel totally overwhelmed. Or maybe you said something that reminded them about something their wicked stepmother used to say when they were five years old and it triggered an avalanche of negative emotions…who knows? You don’t and you probably never will. Let it go.

:: There are people who need you, who love you, who want to hear what you have to say — right now. THESE are the people you need to focus your energy & attention on. NOT the folks who are sliding out the door.

Third: remember that size doesn’t matter. Engagement does.

I’d rather have 100 people on my mailing list that pay attention, open my emails, and get excited about my work… than 10,000 people who don’t give a damn.

End of story.

Fourth: Focus on creating addiction, excitement, loyalty and obsession.

Instead of asking: “How can I get more people to sign up for my mailing list? I need mooooore!!?”

Start asking: “How can I create content and build a business that inspires addiction, excitement, loyalty and happy, gleeful obsession?”

This can be tricky— and it can take some time to figure out what’s going to make your customers freak out with excitement. But it’s worth investigating.

For starters: pay attention to which emails / newsletters / blog posts / pieces of content your subscribers seem to REALLY love. Don’t get hung up on the numbers, but ask yourself: How come this particular piece created such a stir?  Was there a particular topic? Structure? Idea? Style? How could you replicate that particular flavor of magic again in the future? (Like a fantastic sequel to a Blockbuster hit!)

Fifth: Treat your community like ROYALTY.

I can’t emphasize this enough:

Instead of freaking out when people choose to leave your mailing list, blog community, or business world, CELEBRATE and CHERISH the people who ARE choosing to stick around.

In other words: treat your community like royalty.

My friend Srini — the founder of Unmistakable Creative— does this brilliantly. He writes a personal note to individual mailing list subscribers. He wants them to know that they are deeply appreciated. (Most people can’t even believe it’s really him! They’re amazed and very touched.)

OK, confess:

Do you have an unhealthy obsession with your mailing list stats?

Do you panic every time you get an unsubscribe notification?

What’s the first change you’re going to make… to stop the cycle of crazyness?